My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
