I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I could fuck to npr.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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