My hand turned me down
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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