How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize