You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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