someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize