Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
