If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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