Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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