Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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