my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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