My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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