Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
