youre lurking in front of me
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
