Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
