She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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