were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
