I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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