she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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