I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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