I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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