I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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