at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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