I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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