Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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