My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize