and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I have already put on my inside pants.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
