i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
