I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
