Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
