dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize