I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
