I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
