I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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