Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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