Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
