I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
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