My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
