I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
