you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
