I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
