did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
