Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
