i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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