yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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