batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
