sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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