I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
