I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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