thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize