Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
