Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
