yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
