why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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