your parents love me but you hate me
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
