i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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