tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
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