She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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