If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
