the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
