I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
